I recently shared a short post here with an unfinished song called ‘Step Away’. I had mentioned its inspiration as the phrase, ‘The Imaginary Leap,’ which seemed to have resonated with many of you. These two words still resonate deeply with me, and as we take the figurative and literal steps hours from now into a new year, I wanted to revisit its meaning to me.
I myself have been mid-air lately, trusting the fall of this imaginary leap. This summer I quit a job that made me feel a shell of myself. As the song lyric insinuated, I was sedated, pushing through shift after shift, thinking that if I could only endure the next 8 hours, then I could dedicate my remaining hours to the craft of songwriting and music making. Although this way of life seemed to work for several years for me–head down, force webcam smile, mute, unmute, contribute, then off to book shows in whatever time left– this nature of being, or “working”, had caught up with me. I felt robotic, suppressed and a numbness infiltrated my way of being. Somewhere inside I knew I had grown a mountain of resentment atop a mine of unacknowledged longing. I knew I had to change, so I took the desperate crawl, or leap, outside the rim of my regular understanding.
The days after quitting, I slept a lot. I was in toxic workplace withdrawal, preparing to meet myself again. Right when I had begun to create some distance from the former, one pesky last email notified me that I would have to return all my computer equipment. Of course, I groaned. Mustering up whatever energy I had left, I gathered the crumpled cables, adapters, headsets and keyboards, and threw them into a pile on my car’s passenger seat. I entered my former workplace’s address into my phone’s GPS and told myself that this was the last, grueling step to freedom.
As I drove on a sweltering Wednesday near noon, I looked out beyond the driver's dashboard to see the Nashville skyline hovering like a mirage above I-40 West. Chunky pillowy clouds, pierced by steel skyscrapers, all illuminated by the beaming mid-morning sun created a surprisingly beautiful tableau. As my senses absorbed a well-lit world, I felt sudden tears in my eyes. I sensed the sun was offering me peace. I sensed I was being visited by a rare understanding. I wouldn’t have seen this mid-morning sunlight drenched atop tall buildings, had I been at home working, had I been back in that dark, lonely place. I glanced down at the center of my dashboard, seeing the directions of the GPS, when right then, a message hit me. The words Similar ETA lit up a long, winding, seemingly inefficient gray route. See? Just another path to the same destination. My eyes blinked. I felt so much calm and clarity and started to cry. I felt my heart at ease. I felt myself surrounded by a knowing comfort. I’d get where I needed to go, maybe a different way than I had thought, but I’d get there.
I arrived to the address, pulling up County Hospital Road to the security gate where the security guard gave me a once over. I rolled my window down holding up a knotted mouse and keyboard, “Just returning these! I quit last week!” I laughed, smiling. He held up his pointer finger for 1 minute, as he radioed to confirm my arrival, or really my departure, I thought.
After about 10 minutes, the wand lifted and I crept around into the parking lot, pulling into the spot closest to the entrance so I wouldn’t have to carry things far. I looked up to see I had unknowingly parked in in the spot, Employee of the Month Only. I laughed again and took a photo with my phone, cradling the mess of cables to meet an employee outside my car. “Here you go!” I exclaimed, unable to contain my happiness.
Pulling away, I waved again to the security guard, taking a right out of the parking lot, choosing the same direction that I had come in from. Peering down at my GPS again, I noticed the multiple gray lines it offered me as I decided which way I would head back home, finally feeling free.
Beautifully written, as always.
May 2023 bring you all you have worked so hard for. ❤️
Gifted writing; cleansing and healing, hang in there and don’t Ever quit. Time outs are ok but you know in your heart that this is your calling. Change it up when and if needed, refine it if you want to, but stay with it. With or without music it’s all good. Peace Always. 🎼🎶🙏